"I recognize," said the senator in a press conference Monday, "that folks in Nevada have been crushed under the weight of a recession they didn't cause. Homelessness, dire poverty, and the worst education system in America have all conspired to leave the people of my state hopeless and broken. Our fragile economy is on the brink of disaster and many families are living on credit and payday loans just to stay in their homes and keep food on their tables. The people of Nevada are working class folks, the sort that have paid into the unemployment system for years and now, when they need help the most, I am pleased to announce that I will be voting against the extension of that support."
Bewildered members of the press asked the senator to clarify, noting that it seemed preposterous to deny Nevadans the benefits they need to survive in the wake of such crippling circumstances. Ensign acknowledged the confusion and was happy to explain.
"A few years back I sold my soul to Satan and consequently owe my allegiance to the Dark Lord. As it turns out, it serves his purposes to stabilize the national debt at the expense of American families, especially Nevadans who will soon be homeless in the 110 degree inferno that surrounds their under-valued houses outlying our vacuous, job-deprived city centers." Ensign added, with a wink and a nod, "I'm just remembering who sent me to Washington in the first place."
Administration officials in the netherworld were unavailable for comment, but Mr. Satan took to his Twitter account just after the announcement.
"H8 2 C Sen. Ensign blaming me 4 block on benefits vote; I do not assoC8 w him, and he has no soul to my knwldge. #JohnEnsighIsADouche"
Jimi Jobin is a spiritual wanderer and teaches Religion and Philosophy in a private school. He, his wife and son live in Las Vegas, Nevada.